on Being me from the inside out

I had an explosion, or maybe implosion is a better word. For weeks, I had been feeling exhausted and close to burnout. A silly argument with my husband tipped me over the edge. I quietly tore down my vision board, threw away all the affirmations and pictures, destroyed a few items on my altar and hid the rest in a cupboard. My corner of the tiny home office I shared with my husband was now blank. I moved into the kitchen and carefully smashed two cups- mementos from this or that program. Then I smashed my two daruma and a maneki neko – Japanese knickknacks for setting intentions and inviting in wealth.

Afterward, I was a little scared. What did all that destruction mean about me? Wasn’t I hurting a bit of me in the process? I felt lost and at the same time strangely relieved. I checked inside and could see that I wasn’t angry at the things I removed or destroyed. I still believed in vision boards, altars, and affirmations as useful tools for taking action. Instead, I was angry and irritated at myself for having put them out there. It had nothing to do with feeling exposed. It was something else. Something angry happening outside that was mirroring a shift happening on the inside.

Let me back up. I live in a small condo with my husband and father-in-law. My father-in-law has his own room. My husband and I share the bedroom and when he is not at work, we share our home office. There is the living room where the big TV is the focal point. Then there is a kitchen and bathroom, both tiny shared spaces. I don’t mind the tight quarters. I love my condo. It feels like a nest high up on a cliff. Even so, I sometimes crave my own space.

Last month, I was thrilled after I spent time decorating my side of our home office with a big vision board and altar. It felt good, and I loved being in there. It felt like I had created a sacred sanctuary.

But, with the school year over, my husband was now spending more time in our home office. We worked well side-by-side, but not when I wanted to write or do some introspective work. To find that quiet space, I moved from room to room throughout the day. I started in the living room until the guys woke up and the TV came on. Then I moved to the office until my husband came in after breakfast to work. Then I moved to the bedroom where I camped out on the bed until lunch. If I was lucky, my father-in-law went out for a walk, and I could enjoy the living room again until dinner. If not, I took myself out for a walk and sat in a café.

After creating my little sanctuary in the office, I expected that I would work there all day. Instead, I found myself still moving round and round, room to room. Resentment was building. I just wanted to be in that sacred space. Explosion!

I sat a few days with my anger before I recognized the issue simmering on the surface. I had created that little sanctuary in my office thinking it would somehow become my space and all mine. When it didn’t, I got angry. I also admitted that I had been secretly holding a grudge against my father-in-law because he had his own space. I was resentful even though I was proud that we could provide that for him. I was also resentful of my husband who had both a personal office at work and a dedicated space at home. Resentful and at the same time grateful that he now used the dedicated space at home and his work things were no longer scattered or stacked throughout the home as they were before. I had to admit that as I built my sanctuary, I had conveniently ignored that it was a shared space. It was not fair of me to be angry and resentful towards my husband for using the agreed-upon shared space.

So, how to create a sanctuary just for me….? Kicking my father-in-law out was not an option. Remodeling the condo or finding a new home were future options but not immediate answers. Then it hit me. It was obvious. I had to carry the sacred sanctuary within me. It was simple, and I felt elated!

The more I thought about carrying my inner sanctuary with me, the more I realized that this issue on the surface was mirroring a bigger issue. I had been working on my path from the outside in, both in my spiritual practices and in my work.

There is a phrase in Japanese that speaks to what I mean – katachi ni kodawaru. It means to be concerned about or even to fixate on the shape, look, or details of something. Though this kind of pickiness or attention to detail can create exquisite results, it can also hold people back. For example, it could refer to someone with a great idea who gets stuck because they don’t have a website, a logo, or whatever it is they think they need to make their product look “just right” before they launch.

In my case, just as I had fixated on how my workspace at home should look or be, I had fixated on how my business should look in terms of the tools I use to operate and market it. I took numerous courses and learned how to design websites, dabbled in graphic design, learned about video SEO, online course design, podcasting, and the list goes on. Yes, it was exciting, empowering, educational, and fun except that while I fixated on which tools would be best and how to use them, I kept reinventing what I thought I should be offering. Fixating on how it should look, I lost track of who I was, why I was here, and how I was of service. My business, as a result, was at a standstill.

I looked around at all the things I thought I had to use, and all the things I thought I had to do and be. I realized that another person could do all these things. These tasks were dispensable. I was dispensable. It was shocking, maddening, depressing, and then freeing. I contemplated extremes. Then I remembered that there is usually a simpler, easier way.

What if I just started being me? Being me from the inside out…

What if I carried my inner sanctuary with me. What if I could be me?What if my work started with being that me?

Now I  understood my anger and why I needed to destroy the vision board and altar. Many elements of what I put into my vision board for this year were universal. However, some of the specific goals or intentions I set were based on offerings I came up with in that state of outward-in thinking. I’m not saying all of my intentions were invalid and though some of them might still come into fruition, I needed to check in with my inner sanctuary first and then build out offerings from there.

Today, I am conscious of my inner sanctuary. I consciously carry my inner sanctuary with me everywhere.  Today, I can access my inner sanctuary no matter where I am, who I am with, or what I am doing. Today, I access my inner sanctuary, and I am me. Today, I am being me from the inside out. Today, I am being me from the inside out in my home, with my family, and with my work.