My real fear – Finding “Yoyu” [Excerpt 34]

New to the story?

If you are new here, Finding “Yoyu” is a memoir about how I juggled end-of-life care for my mother-in-law, tried to understand and navigate Alzheimer’s for my father-in-law, and then helped my husband through a chemo-free recovery from stage 3 colon cancer – all in the same year. Did I mention that we live in Japan and that my in-laws don’t speak English?! I wrote the book in 2018 and then shelved it until a friend challenged me to finish editing it by sharing one section every week. I’m on week 34 and counting my way to 50!

What’s happening at this point in the book?

This week’s excerpt takes you to the week right after Akira was diagnosed with cancer. He was away on back-to-back business trips, leaving me a lot of time to process.

Though I was optimistic and in high spirits, I felt a rush of fear around my solar plexus several times a day.

When I let myself sink down into it the fear, I realized I wasn’t afraid of Akira dying. I was afraid of being left alone to take care of his father. At first, I was ashamed, but that didn’t last long.

Getting to the root of my fear was a huge relief and paved the way for me to stand more powerfully in my role as a healer for myself as well as my husband.

Listen to the excerpt above to find out how I came to terms with the fear.

If you are interested in hearing the rest of the story, please subscribe. I share a new section each week.

And, if you’re new to the story, you can find a playlist here and start listening from Finding “Yoyu” Excerpt #1.

About the book, Finding “Yoyu”

A few years ago, we moved my husband’s parents from a rural part of Japan to live with us in Tokyo in our tiny 800 square foot (73 square-meter) condo. My book, Finding “Yoyu,” is about what it took to decide to move them. It’s also about navigating the Japanese health care system and finding an appropriate nursing home for my mother-in-law while helping my father-in-law transition from a lifetime of farming to retirement in the big city. It’s about how we discovered he had Alzheimer’s, and my husband had stage 3 colon cancer. Finally, it’s about how I managed to support these two men and keep (or find!) my yoyu all while going through a career change.

What is yoyu?

Yoyu is a Japanese word to express whether or not you have enough wherewithal, capacity, or bandwidth. It’s often used in phrases such as “I don’t have enough time.” Or, “I can’t afford that.” You can also use it to express your wherewithal physically, mentally, and emotionally. When you say, “I don’t have yoyu,” in Japanese, everyone infers from context what you mean. Though I am fluent in Japanese, I didn’t really get the full meaning until I met a cashier who didn’t have yoyu.