The “Right Way” for Yoyu: Letting Go of Expectations

When caring for a loved one with dementia, it’s important to learn about the best ways to manage their care. However, sometimes what we think is “the right way” may not be what’s best for the person we’re caring for. In this blog post, I share how I struggled as a caregiver for my father-in-law, especially around the idea of pajamas, and then how pajamas taught me to let go of expectations and embrace the quirkiness of those around us.

The Struggle with Clothes

When Otosan, my father-in-law, first came to live with us and we realized that some of his peculiar personality traits were more likely signs of dementia, I started reading up so I could be a proper caregiver. I wanted to do things the right way.

Clothes were a big part of managing his care. People with Alzheimer’s often have difficulties dressing and remembering when they last changed their clothes. While he was living with us, I never needed to help Otosan get dressed. However, toward the end, before he moved to a full-care facility, it took him longer and longer because he would lose track of what he was doing and why.

Although his fingers were nimble and he prided himself on getting showered and dressed to attend Day Service (the adult care for people with dementia), if I didn’t intervene, he would put on the same clothes day after day. Putting out a set of clothes and whisking away his dirty clothes while he was bathing set him up for success. So, we rarely had issues with his clothes.

Except for pajamas.

The Pajama Dilemma

Otosan didn’t want to change his clothes at night. I suggested he would be better off wearing pajamas or changing into sweats, but he refused.

How could he wear his regular clothes to bed? Had he forgotten that it was improper? Had he lost the ability to discern when to wear which clothes and where? Should I, as his caregiver, help him? What was proper bedtime etiquette anyway?

I guess that part of Otosan’s disinterest in pajamas had nothing to do with Alzheimer’s and instead came from habit.

On the family property in the mountains of Hiroshima, Otosan spent most of his day in the garage tinkering with his farm tools, out in the garden checking on his carrots, or monitoring the water level in the rice paddy. Because it was sometimes dirty work, he wore “work-in-the-yard” clothes.

When he finished “working” at the end of the day, he bathed and put on a clean T-shirt and sweatpants. Then, at night, he went to bed as-is, wearing his T-shirt and sweatpants in place of pajamas. If the weather was nasty the next morning, he wouldn’t go outside, instead spending the day lounging in his T-shirt and sweatpants in front of the TV.

I guessed that in Otosan’s mind, the clothes he wore to Day Service never got dirty like his old “work-in-the-yard” clothes. What’s more, for Day Service, he sometimes wore sweatpants or other comfortable pants on the bottom and T-shirts or polo shirts on top, just like those he used to wear to bed and to lounge around in when he was still living at the house in Hiroshima.

If Otosan was happy, I didn’t need to force him to wear pajamas, so I didn’t. Besides, only family members could see what he wore to bed, so his nighttime attire shouldn’t even matter.

Packing for a Short Stay at the Nursing Home

His choice didn’t matter until the first time Otosan went for a short stay at a nursing home nearby. We had to pack his bag for the four-day stay, and the nursing home provided a checklist. Of course, pajamas were on the checklist.

I fretted about those pajamas.

I dug through Otosan’s closet and pulled out a pair I had tucked away in a plastic storage bin. Then, the night before he left, I again tried to convince Otosan to wear pajamas, and he refused.

What would the nursing home staff think if I didn’t pack pajamas? I worried they would think I forgot. On the other hand, if I told them the truth, I feared they would think I was a lazy caregiver for not encouraging Otosan to change his clothes.

Not knowing which was better, I packed a set of pajamas for him anyway.

When Otosan returned four days later, the staff from the nursing home gave me a quick report to let me know his stay had gone smoothly. Then she showed me which clothes in his bag were clean and which needed washing. The pajamas were in the clean pile, so I asked to make sure, and she casually replied, “Oh, he didn’t wear his pajamas.”

He didn’t wear his pajamas.

The pajamas weren’t a big deal. The nursing home didn’t care. Otosan didn’t care, either. So, the next day, I added the pajamas to a bag of clothes I had started for the recycle bin.

Letting Go of Expectations

It took a good long while for me to get over the idea that Otosan should change out of his day clothes at night and wear pajamas, but once I did, I found I had so much more yoyu.

Where in your life are you fighting for the “right thing” and wasting your yoyu (Japanese term for “wherewithal” or “oomph”) instead of just accepting the quirkiness of yourself and the people around you?

As we come together and interact with others, we bring different cultural norms, family traditions, and personal preferences. It’s important to recognize that there may not always be a “right way” to do things, and we should make decisions based on what works best for ourselves and our family. By letting go of expectations and embracing the quirks of those around us, we can live with more yoyu.